Now, the wait………

Well, I am home.  Came home on Thursday on a dreary, and misty kind of day.  How appropriate that the sky felt the same way I did.

I am so grateful my sister, Karen is here.  She is kind of taking care of all of us. The boys are wonderful, for the most part being kind and compliant and ever so gentle when they give me their hugs.  Louie created a “shrine” of sorts in my bedroom with all the things he thought I might need, a book on healing, reading glasses, pillows and candy, right on the bed.  Not bad for a 10 year old boy.

On Friday we had an appointment with Dr Barone, where I had really hoped to have the results of the pathology report.  No such luck.  They looked me over, had nice things to say about my scars, and gave Lou some directions on taking care of the incision sites.  Also, I lost one more of my pain pumps.  They just slipped the wires out of the insertion site in a split second. Good to lose the wires, but the “Pain Ball” as the medicine was called, was kind of a security blanket of sorts, and I am worried about its departure.

Once again I got the “one day at a time” talk, the one about taking care of the cancer treatment first.  Yes, I know about one day at a time, but I wish the days would at least pick up a little speed.  By the time we got home from the Doctors office, I was exhausted and ready for more medication.  The discomfort is a new experience for me.  For the most part it just feels like a truck is sitting on my chest. Except for those periodic very sharp and deep shooting pains.  All of it is bearable, but none of it is familiar….. to this body at least.

So for the time being anyway, we are on a maintenance & management schedule.  Just maintaining a LOT of rest, managing pain, watching drain tubes, draining and measuring those tubes, and waiting, waiting, waiting for the report that will define the next year for me.  And wishing.

I know it does no good to wish retroactively, but I so, so wish that things had gone differently.  The tumor was lying so close to the skin on the upper quadrant of the left breast that Dr. Butler had to remove a much larger section of skin than was originally planned.  Then of course, the two sentinel lymph nodes came back positive, so she had to go back in and remove more lymph nodes.   All this of course adds to the unique appearance of my left side looking a little frankenstein-ish.  No, actually it looks really, really awful, it is a really gruesome looking crooked scar which is both bruised and red and a crazy kind of topography of tissue where a rather cute little breast used to be.  :^(

Almost normal

The right side, the breast that was removed prophylacticly, which has an “expander implant” in place, looks positively radiant in comparison.  More drainage on that side, but definately appears to have better prospects for a more natural looking ending than the other side. …..ah….but there I go again, living in the future and not just this day.

I’m learning all about one day at a time.  But I don’t like it. Because really, none of us lives that way.  We all plan for our futures, wether they are just the next few weeks or months or a year or more.  I think I am having a more difficult time with not knowing what amount of time I can think about than with the actual cancer itself….

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