Oncologist to Oprah

Friday

Well, we finally got to meet the oncologist, Dr. M., and I’ll say this much, I think he is smart.  BUT-that doesn’t help me make a decision.

So far, this has been exceedingly difficult to even think about, much less write about, and I can’t exactly figure out why.  Maybe it is because I feel so clueless and immobilized by…..what?  fear? the fact that I really didn’t understand hardly anything he said?  And what he said, well, just had to do with my “odds of surviving” this stinking disease.

Tuesday

so at 3:00 am tuesday morning, I am still wondering how do you choose which type of treatment to do after breast cancer surgery?  We even taped the appointment so I could listen to it again (and again and again) but that hasn’t helped much

I think my choices are a clinical trial, or a more conservative chemo plan AND tamoxifan or a hormone blocking clinical trial.

Dr. M favors the clinical trials, but said if it were him, he would do the conservative chemo treatment. I think that is his way of being diplomatic about it all. We see him again on Thursday, I’m supposed to at least have an idea by then what I want to do.

I do think he is a smart, thinking doctor, but it would be nice to have somebody else decide for me.

Oprah

Taped the Memorial Day Oprah show with Christina Applegate on Breast Cancer, hoping for some pearls of wisdom.  It was a nice show, but for me in the “thick of it” right now, it provided no answers.  Shoot.  Actually, it was something said on that show that woke me up this morning.  A BC survivor made a comment which really bothered me, something about how great God was for giving her a second opportunity at life. Of course, the crowd applauded and cooed approvingly.  I so much can not relate to that kind of belief.

The thought that pulled me out of my now-normal uncomfortable sleep was, the universe is just “what it is” and it is what you choose to do with it that makes it turn beautifully for you, or makes life pass by achingly slow.  Good Lord, I have got to  get back to hanging out with the Unitarians again.

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