working through it

Well, today is Thursday, day 7 after chemo, and I am learning new things.  Like how to work through discomfort.  I have a new appreciation for people with chronic diseases who just learn to live with less than optimal conditions.  Thankfully, I’ll only have another month of chemo-crap to process through my body.  I’m doing so much better than last weekend, I actually walked for 20 minutes this morning, although when I came home and sat down, I got to experience the weirdest aching in my bigger bones, like they were saying “Oh nooooooo, you either have to keep moving or don’t do anything at all!!   If you rest, we’re going to come up and bite you BIG…that’s what you get for trying to function again…he he he he……”     Only one more month one more month one more month………………..

Yesterday I met Dr. M, a Medical Oncologist in Toledo for another opinion on radiation for me.  (BTW, I liked her.)  Oh, how I had hoped she would make my decision easier!!   Nah……that didn’t happen. She, like other docs, was careful to detail the facts of the cancer, explain options, describe the traditional treatment plans, and the plans some oncologists are favoring.  She, without actually saying it, seemed to suggest that she would not recommend radiation for me, but asked me if I was a “gambler”.  Adding radiation to my treatment plan is a safe thing to do, even though it only adds a very small percentage of survival to my outlook.  I could “gamble” and not do radiation and I might be in the group of women like (97, 98 out of 100) who do not have a local recurrence (meaning in the chest wall or breast area) of cancer…..OR I could be unlucky and be one of the 2 or 3 women who does have the recurrence.   I told her that I don’t consider myself be be so lucky anymore.  That’s a sobering thought.

So now I am still on the fence.  My roller-coaster is going up the incline, albeit ever so slowly.  Every six hours or so I don’t have a definitive answer, I feel like I’m adding another mile onto the incline of this crazy masochistic trip.  At this moment, I am leaning on the side of just suckin’ it up, and taking the radiation.  I really want to live cancer free for the rest of my life if possible, and right now if that means trading 5 weeks of the hassle of radiation for 2% better chance of no recurrence….well, then that’s what it means.  And no whining, too.  So many people have it so much harder than I do and I really am grateful for all the goodness that cancer has brought into my life.

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