my brain is bossin’ me around again…..

3:55 am Saturday morning (the following is the conversation I had with my brain for the last 20 minutes.  It is bullying me into doin’ this post.)

Me to my brain:   “Ok, Ok, I get it. This time I’ll comply….but only because it is saturday and I don’t have to wake up in an hour or so and go to work.”

My brain: “get the list started.  To do: write the block plans for next school year”

Me:  Are you kidding?  You woke me up for this?  To make me write a  list for something to do for next school year?  Forget it.  I’m not doin’ it.  I’m exhausted.  You have messed with my mind for the last two days at precisely 3:15 am and not let me get back to a good night sleep.  I ain’t gettin up now in the middle of the night to write myself notes about organizing for next school year.  You ain’t the boss of me!

Brain:  Uhhh, actually, I am.   Get up.   Write out the lessons for next school year.  Make sure to  have the school nurse not cover so much info in her guest appearance in your class.  Utilize her as a good resource for two things only….body image and sleep.  

Me:  But, lesson plans for next school year???  too much can happen between now and then.  I’m not doin’ it.  I’M TOO TIRED!  YOU HAVE KEPT ME UP THE LAST TWO NIGHTS WITH THIS LIST MAKING OBSESSION!  Anyways, lesson plans for the next school year are best blocked out the two weeks before school starts……you don’t know what great ideas you might have over the summer….who you might meet…

Brain:  Get up.  Write it out about the plans for the nurse.  YOU are the one who doesn’t know what is going to be happening the two weeks before school starts. 

and then it hit me.  ohhhhh yeaaaa.  that’s right.  I really don’t  know what is going to be going on with me in mid august.  God knows I have a plan for June, but my plans for July and August are really all dependant upon the best possible outcomes happening in those months. 

So I have been so busy lately with big deal kid and family issues I haven’t had a single second to write during normal daytime hours.  I guess that is why my brain is waking me up so damn early lately.  (Third day in a row the wake-up call has been in the three o’clock hour.  I am SO TIRED!)   I have recently scheduled the first two surgeries for my reconstruction!!  Finally!  I had been badgering Dr. B about discussing and scheduling these dates for 6 months, he kept putting me off until I completed all my physical treatment for cancer (the chemo and radiation).  I didn’t like that answer then, but after the awfulness of  radiation I understand his reasons so much better now.

Anyways, the first reconstruction surgery is scheduled for June 3 and it is called……..ummmm, I forget the name of it.  It is a relatively small surgery compared to the “flap”…  and the second surgery, the BIG surgery, the TRAM Flap is for June 17.  The third surgery, the “exchange” surgery can’t be scheduled until the flap surgery has settled down and the swelling has gone down enough so we can see exactly what that left reconstructed breast really looks like, so the new right breast can be sized and shaped to match the cancer side new breast.  Therein lies my brains’ anxiety I think.  I really don’t know where I will be in the surgery and healing process in August.  I could be in a Percocet fog.  I could be just getting ready for the third surgery in the week or two before school starts.  Hell, I’ve had cancer…God knows whose office I might find myself in………  I keep remembering that.  Remission is NOT on my vocabulary list.  yet.


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